I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
