Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
