I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
