I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
