Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
