"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
