lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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