On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
