somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
