you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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