Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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