Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
