So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
