How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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