I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
