I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
