epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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