We need to start having sex underwater more often.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
