I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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