Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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