Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
