Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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