You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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