birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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