I'm so fucking centered right now
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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