The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
