I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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