Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
