i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
