Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
