My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
