i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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