Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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