Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
