3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
