You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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