everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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