He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
