Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
false alarm. still invincible.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
