Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
