I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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