I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
