My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
