I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
