The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
