I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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