this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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