Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
