Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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