You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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